anxiety, Christ, emotions, faith, fear, loneliness, salvation, satan, trust

desperately wanting.

A few weeks ago, I attended a worship night that my fiancé’s band, 300 Strong, was asked to lead. I didn’t know much about the reasons it was called together, but during the service, the pastor of the church stated that it was because of the rising number of teen and pastoral suicides that he’d wanted to come, praise God, and pray for people in positions of such desperation.
Sitting here today, a few days late learning that on one day, Brunswick, OH lost 2 of its young teens to suicide, I’m taken back to that night and to everything the pastor said in prayer.

What I remember most, honestly, was how that worship night itself, something the songs communicated, just took me back to a time when I felt like all hope was lost. I didn’t know who I was or how I’d gotten to this point… and I was a Christian. I remember hating myself even more because I knew there was a hope I should, but didn’t have. It left me in desperation for someone; something to save me from whatever it was that was making me feel that way, whatever enemy was after me. I was desperate to get out of there and to leave that moment behind. I was desperate to never be the me I had been that night. I was desperate.

“As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?
Day and night I have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
“Where is this God of yours?”
My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!
Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and 6 my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
from the land of Mount Mizar.
I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.
‘O God my rock,’ I cry,
‘why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?’
Their taunts break my bones.
They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”
Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!”
(Psalm 42:1-11)

All I said was, “Jesus.”

That night, though one of the hardest nights of my life, was a huge turning point for me. Physically and morally, I had reached rock bottom by August 2011, which led to me accepting Christ as my Savior on October 17 of that same year, but my spiritual and emotional rock bottom came much later, at the end of September 2012. I was exhausted then, but in hind sight, I’m more thankful for those days than the best days of my life. That one desperate night, all of those difficult days following it have established a trust between me and my God that is unshakable. Though I don’t ever claim to know why He does what He does or when He’ll come through, when I was at my lowest, I simply muttered His Name in between sobs and He came to me.

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Fast forward to that night, where the pastor was praying for all of these people who are lost, desperate, and suicidal, and my heart breaks for those who don’t know that there is a Savior from their pain, there is a God who cherishes their life and wants them breathing and bringing life. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, I’d love to pray for you personally, but if you’re not comfortable with it, just know I think of you often when spending time with God, even if I don’t know you. And though it seems like a slap in the face to your feelings, this moment you’re in could very well be one of the greatest blessings you’ve ever known in disguise. I don’t say it just to be optimistic, but from experience.

There is something learned here, though, despite the pain and even beyond the lesson that Jesus longs to and literally loves to save us.
As I stood worshipping the Lord that night, He was reminding me just what it felt like to feel that desperate to offer a reminder to me, and subsequently, anyone else that is now comfortable in their faith, walking in a season of harvest and more apparent blessing.

We are not exempt from needing to know that we are desperate just because we’re comfortable right now. We need to remember that everything we have, all that we are and feel is because of God. Without our desperately latching onto Him as the provider and creator of all things, we never would know what it was like to be loved and to be blessed.
That same desperation that caused us to cling to Him in the first place should still exist in our hearts in because we need Him just as much in the harvest as we did in the drought.

“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.”
Psalm 62:1-3

No matter where we are, we are hopeless if not with Jesus. No matter where we are, what we are pursuing, or what we cannot obtain, His love is greater than and necessary for life.


Have you been rescued from a season of depression? What about your situation now reminds you that you still need Jesus as much as you did then?

Would you like prayer?
Please feel free to comment below or visit the contact page to reach me.

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