I’ve been married all of not even two weeks but something that has always been a topic for me to write on is intimacy, purity, and sex so it’s only fitting I think that the first post that comes from my heart after my lifelong commitment to the man of my dreams be one about physical intimacy right? Don’t worry, no gory details to follow.
My now husband and I had decided about 30 days or so before our wedding to cease to share in any sort of physical intimacy. Basically, we stopped kissing (abstaining from pre-marital sex was already something we were striving for). The hope was that it would bring us closer together spiritually and emotionally, and, help us in regards to the mounting amount of temptation that soon-to-be-married couples feel.
It was a little challenging, not kissing. He and I had never really felt any sort of conviction about it prior to then and so for over a year, we had enjoyed a closeness with each other that included a few smooches here and there. So needless to say, it was a difficult habit to break. Often we’d lean in for a kiss and just bump heads instead and laugh at ourselves for forgetting so quickly (or he’d lick my face…that happened more than once – and I apologize if that’s a gory detail haha).
More than that, though, it was challenging because a closeness we’d grown accustomed to having was missing. In just a few weeks, maybe 2/3 of the way through, I remember sitting him down and venting that I didn’t feel like we were united. It was then that we began praying together more often, and my soon-to-be husband did well by connecting deeper with me spiritually and emotionally (and I’m so happy watching the Spirit work in him, showing him how to lead his wife, compelling and inspiring me to dig deeper to do well by him also).
It’s amazing to me how different our relationship was when we were physically disconnected, the way it affected the spiritual and emotional facets of our relationship, and how, within marriage, it has changed… even more amazing to me is how my perspective of physical intimacy and closeness (including more than just sex) has changed in just the last two weeks because of that.
Physical intimacy and closeness – we’ll say that it’s all inclusive: kissing, touching, holding, etc, and yes, sex – are all wonderful things in marriage and Biblically encouraged and blessed by the Lord. The Bible tells husbands to delight in their wives (Proverbs 5:18, Ecclesiastes 9:9), and encourages married couples to engage in intimacy with one another without depriving one another unless by agreement to pray (1 Corinthians 7:1-4). It was blessed by God between a husband and his wife (Adam and Eve) in Genesis 1:28.
Sex is powerful. Physical intimacy is powerful. So much more powerful than I ever thought before.
That’s why the Bible talks about it so much. I could list probably over a hundred scriptures here, but I’ll just share my favorite: 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 says that our holy sanctification is directly opposite sexual immorality. (https://samfindsfaith.wordpress.com/2014/03/05/here-is-something-most-people-dont-want-to-hear-about-their-sex-lives/). That’s huge and that’s powerful.
That’s also why clichés like “sex sells” exist and why sex is everywhere, in every advertisement you can find. It is powerful.
It unites people in an unmatched way. It creates real soul ties, binding people in real and incredibly powerful ways. It is by sex and a physical intimacy that a married couple physically expressed their oneness. BUT IT IS A BLESSED GIFT TO THOSE WHO ARE MARRIED. I can’t say that enough.
For those of you who don’t know me, I came from the other side of the tracks. I didn’t always grow up here believing purity was right and sex was alone for marriage. I grew up on the wrong side of town and I ran ramped for a few years. So, I can tell you, soul ties are real and need to be broken from pre-marital relations (there are whole books dedicated to the breaking of soul ties between two people created by sexual relationships), but once you make that tie with your spouse, coupled with your spiritual covenant and legal agreement will blow the rest of those others out of the water.
The love is better, heck, the sex is better (I promise that’s as gory as it’ll get!). There’s security and safety and there’s Jesus. That sounds taboo to some, weird to others I am sure, but He’s there. And it’s incredible. Physical intimacy was created to give married couples a break to uphold a commitment that’s difficult to maintain, to avoid sexual temptation outside of marriage (go see that 1 Corinthians passage again), and to build and maintain a sense of “one flesh” for as long as said couple is married.
In marriage, it is more than just a physical bond; it takes on a spiritual life of its own. That bond, created outside of marriage, is merely an imposter of the real one, a class ‘A’ poser that only hinders and cheapens the legitimate and valuable one ( https://samfindsfaith.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/locked-out-of-heaven/ ).
If you’re not married, WAIT. If I can encourage you to do anything is that: WAIT. If you don’t think kissing is a big deal, you’re entitled to your opinion, but I can tell you: it changes things. Being physically close changes things; and being physically intimate changes more. Taking that break from a physical closeness, and doing what we could to avoid temptation gave me that fireworks moment at our wedding, and though it wasn’t an experiment of any kind, looking back, I’m so thankful we did it the way we did. It gave me a greater appreciation and so much more of a fulfilling enjoyment of this moment:
If you haven’t waited, don’t worry. I know God redeems.
Like I said, the hubby and I hadn’t always abstained from physical closeness prior to marriage, and it made it that much more difficult once we decided to do so… And without God’s help that was hard and we were so disconnected. But once the Lord was invited in and given control, once we put things into perspective and allowed the lack of physical closeness to develop spiritual closeness, the Lord blessed us and redeemed us and made us whole again. He replaced what we thought we needed, and in turn showered us with love throughout the development of our wedding and first few days of marriage. All that was lost, even before I met my husband, has been redeemed and restored, and we are able to enjoy each other to the fullest extent.
And not that I feel any sense of ability to give advice to those of you who are already married… this all can be flipped around and applied to you (and I). Sex is powerful in so many negative ways when you are single, but it is equally powerful when you’re married. It is a peacemaker and weapon of mass destruction. It is a treaty and a war all in one. Don’t use it like a weapon against your husband. Allow only good into your marital bed, and keep it holy and full of love. Give into one another, each other’s needs and desires and love each other. It is not there to destroy you two. It’s there to unite you two, to remind you that he is of you and you are of him and you are one. Let it.