anxiety, family, ministry, work, worth

okay, so sometimes I suck at being a blogger. 

Guys. I was so excited to start a new blog (which I did – and it’s whatever, but I’ve decided that is my blogging home and I’m back here now) and rant all the time about my messed up imperfect life, and I suck at that too! One post in, and its already like I forgot about it.
But I haven’t!
I think about it all the time, but because of lots of insecurities and self-doubt (and a few of my OCD house keeping habits) plus two kids and a man keeps me from sitting down frequently.


You’d think we stay-at-home wives and moms would have more free time than working wives and moms, but really, we don’t. That’s the biggest freaking lie anyone will tell you ever.

But I’m not going to beat myself up about it, and here’s the long reason why:

I’m a writer by nature. Barely formally trained (like, I’ve taken college level classes but I never graduated with any sort of degree so…), I’m not that bad at it. I even used to be an editor and columnist for an online magazine, Whole Magazine (back when they trusted me to influence other Christian women). I swore that once I quit my full time job, I would write almost daily but at least multiple times a week, and I would get started on this book I’ve been planning in my head. When I was working, I wrote probably weekly, if not close to. Now? Bi-weekly if I’m lucky. Just another example of how much I used to have it together, and how much I don’t know.

I think there’s something that happens to a person though, when you’re stripped of most of your major identifying titles – wife, Christian, leader, church member, etc – and when you lose most of your friends, and inner and outer circle that you really just stop giving a shit about what people think and expect of you.
Some people say having an affair and leaving my husband was the biggest mistake I’ll ever make (and some people who know him, and know the real me disagree but whatever), but sometimes I wonder if it’s the opposite.

I’m literally free of all expectations.

Before that, people expected so much of me. I was asked about my blog when I wouldn’t write for a few weeks. I was peppered with requests to produce more online content. I was nagged about that content sometimes if Christian women I knew personally disagreed with my point. I was expected at church on Sunday and bible study on Wednesday. I was expected to not photograph same sex weddings (I’m a photographer in case you missed that) and expected not to swear. I was expected to put up with lies from my husband, and give him my body when he wanted it anyway.

But now? Now I have a say in what I do with my body, and when I’m comfortable having sex. I don’t have to feel like shit about swearing (when I’m around other adults who swear anyway) because I don’t have husband who finds it “unladylike.” I can photograph whatever weddings I want (literally, anybody. I’ll do whatever whenever. I’m not turning down the money). I can go to church when I want, which I do kind of miss church but at least if I sleep too late, don’t feel well, or my kids are losing their minds, I’m not expected to be there. And I can blog whenever the heck I want to blog and about whatever the heck I want to blog about.

Free from expectations. Not responsibility, but expectations. And that’s a beautiful thing.

And especially because it’s not like I have any readership right now, I’m going to release myself of feeling guilty for not being “sassy super blogger” over here. Because it’s not necessarily that I do this for anyone but me anyway. I’m going to write genuinely and honestly, and honestly, I won’t write all the time. Sometimes I will, not not for years on end. This isn’t a career path for me, it’s for release and maybe someday community, if I find another good group of bloggers to blog along with. But keeping it that way ensures that I’ll always enjoy it, it’ll always be real, and it won’t be forced or fake.

And that’s just as beautiful if you ask me.
The above piece was written for a new blog I was starting up and opted not to maintain, Like I stated before, is my blogging home, and these spiritually confusing or dark days are just as much a part of my journey to finding faith as any of the more assured ones were.

Please bear with me.


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