The above URL is the blog I created in the wake of my affair and “fall from grace” as some would call it. I didn’t feel safe writing here where everyone I know knows I write, knows what my blog site is (follow my blog, in some cases), and has so many opinions about what I say here. Further than that, I didn’t feel comfortable influencing other people’s walks with Christ when I was struggling so much with so many things.
So I started writing about how messed up I was at a new place and told no one.
I was excited to have an outlet again, but after a few weeks, something just wasn’t right. It wasn’t home. But still, I knew it was my only option. samfindsfaith.com was too accessible and too personal, and I trust(ed) no one. But one day, someone found it.
I used to work full time in this office, and a sweet girl sat next to me. We used to talk all the time about God, and church, and spiritual things. I had no clue until she was baptized one day, and she told me, that I’d been any sort of mentor or influence to her at all.
Fast forward to present day times, after all this stuff has happened and I’ve sort of retreated a bit, and imagine my surprise when out of the blue, she commented on a post on my “formerlyknownblog.” It was her.
I wish I would’ve screen shot the comment before I deleted the site because it shocked me and brought me to tears. The grace and encouragement offered to me was incredible. What I remember most was the word, “vulnerability.” She commended my vulnerability and honesty in a hard time. I felt smaller than an ant.
When everything went down, the hardest part for me to accept was letting down the people I knew looked up to me. That sounds so self-important, but it’s the truth. I knew I mentored some people by then. I knew people looked to me for example, and failing them was the hardest thing I think. It satisfied me so much to help others and be there in the muck with them when I couldn’t face my own truths, and mentoring and counseling others carried me a long time. I’ve lamented over maybe never having those kinds of relationships again.
But here was one of the girls I would talk to often, offering me encouragement to keep going, showing me grace in my darkest spiritual times, and really, treating me no differently than she had before.
Maybe, just maybe, God really isn’t done with me yet.
And maybe, just maybe, if I’m honest and raw and real, He’ll still use everything I’m going through for His purposes and His glory, like He says He intends to.
Shortly after that is when I came back to samfindsfaith.com and republished all of my posts here, despite my fears of who else might read them and what others might say when I tell my story.
Because when I sit down to write, the only thing that really brings the words is where I’m at with God. Whether it’s good or bad, scary or hopeful, really the only time words pour out from me freely are when I write about that. So, I’ve come to the realization, it’s still all about Sam finding faith.
Some of my best days with Jesus were spent in front of a computer pouring my heart out onto this blog and if I ever hope to find that closeness with Him again, I think it’s time I sit back down and work it out.
After I published my formerlyknownblog posts on samfindsfaith, I did receive some push back. Lots of encouragement, support, and love, but a little bit of resistance. And I got scared. I stopped writing for a while. But this is my story and my blog, and yesterday, I heard a quote on the radio that I took for confirmation – a little nudge from God maybe (I wish I’d written it down, but here’s the gist):
A man said that if we are given a skill or a talent or a passion for something, and we allow fear or a false humility to keep us from exercising those skills, talents, or passions, we are denying God an opportunity to show off.
I deny God a lot these days. And I can tell in little areas, He’s gently peeling off band aids. Someday, He’ll likely rip one off on the count of 2 when I’m waiting for 3, but that’s not today (at least I don’t think). Right now, it’s the gentle pull of band aids, I think, earning back my trust. Which, I’m not going to lie, has me a little perplexed; it has me paying attention. But in this regard, I’m going to trust Him.
I think maybe He wants me here for something. We’ll see.
To that sweet girl, and the others,
I’m sorry. I know that I let you down, and that I wasn’t what I was supposed to be. I was, in a sense, what I said I was: a mess. But we’re all just figuring it out – me and you. I want you to know that you’ve given me hope in my time of need, remind me of grace, and offer me forgiveness when I definitely didn’t earn it. I’m so thankful for those of you that didn’t treat me as if I was diseased (and even for those of you that did. I understand there’s a need for some people to run in these circumstances, a need for some to reject even, and a need for some to stay; and I appreciate you all for doing whatever it was that you did).
But thank you, too. Thank you for encouraging me and praying for me and keeping me from falling too far into the pit that I become so numb, and so unaware. I’m in your debt.