Lately I’ve committed more to meditating. I’ve put my focus on truth – truth from God’s Word and my own truth and plain old cold-hard-facts truth. Being a mindful creative, I asked my husband to paint one of the walls in my yoga space in our home with chalk paint, so I could write or drawn my intentions and meditations there (along with calendars and flows I’m putting together, etc).
This week, as I sat down and opened my heart to what is for me right now, ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken‘ by P!nk came on my shuffle. As it has many times before, the song just washed over me. I know it’s not a worship song, but it is a song of unwavering commitment and sacrifice and freedom – all things I know are of Christ. Struggling against apathetic faith, I was invigorated by these words, ‘there’s not enough rope to tie me down / there’s not enough tape to shut this mouth / the stones you throw can make me bleed / but I won’t stop until we’re free / oh, wild hearts can’t be broken.‘
So I picked up my chalk and I wrote out the words from the first line. I put on my yoga playlist and began to practice. But I kept coming back to that song, eventually putting it on repeat and stopping every now and then to continue to add to my chalk wall until this is what I had:
I know and think and believe that we are closer to Christ, not only in prayer, not only when reading His Word, but also when we are using our gifts in service of Him. When imparting gifts to each of us, I believe He intended for us to use them to bring us closer to Him and to bring Himself closer to the world.
For me, writing is one of those gifts. Writing brings me closer to God.
More specifically, writing my own truth as it applies to His (meaning my life fits into His plan, not just applying truth to my life to make it right/excuses) brings me closer to God.
There’s a lot I don’t write about anymore, though, quite honestly because I’m afraid. Things I posted about in the boldness and authenticity that I’ve been praised for most of my life were brought up in phone calls and emails with attorneys, and the threat of having to deal with upsetting people trying to ruin me just wasn’t worth it at the time.
As I said before, I’m really in this liminal space lately, and I’m really trying to not give in to lukewarm apathy. And I think that this song, this meditation, this mantra, whatever you want to call it right now, has pointed out to me how I’m not exercising these gifts. I’ve let myself become convinced that I’m tied down, that my mouth has been tied shut, and I can’t speak publicly about my experience with Jesus anymore because of other people – but God’s saying, ‘No. I gave you an open heart, crack it open. I gave you a mouth, speak. I gave you a gift, use it.”
I’m reminded of the parable of the three servants in Matthew 25. Three servants are given talents. The first two invest these talents and are rewarded by earning interest on them, and receiving praise from their master. The third was scared and hid his away and paid dearly for it. Verse 29 wraps up the moral of the story quite nicely: ‘To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away’ (NLT).
So, I’m going to speak.
If it’s my truth, I’m going to tell it.
Now that’s not to say that I’m going to say whatever the hell I want without regard to how it will be received or how it will affect people. Words have consequences, and I’m also not about to be dragged into court just because I want to follow what I believe God is doing in my life by sharing what that God is working in my heart. One, I’m just not that low and, two, I’m just not that stupid.
But I’m not going to hide anymore, and I’m not going to be afraid.
Because Jesus. Because Jesus, and Jesus, and more Jesus. I want more of Jesus and I’m going to do what I have to in order to be faithful to Him. Even if it means making things a little uncomfortable.
But on that note, I’m just going to leave this quote from Anne Lamont right here, because it’s truthy writer gold, IMO.