Today I received a call that made the random spike in my blog stats yesterday make sense.
I was going to be doing ministry at a local church, that was revoking my permission to do so, because I’ve openly talked about my affair – confessing it – and how God has worked through even the ugliest that I’ve found or created in this life right here on my blog.
Someone actually pulled up posts that were almost 2 years old (hi, if you’re still reading, whoever you are) and sent them links – but literally, only ones that mention my affair, even in passing. Oh, or include a swear word.
Thanks to WordPress, I know exactly which posts were read, so I was able to go and reread them. And if I was sad about having my past held against me, I was devastated when I realized that the point of this whole blog was completely missed because of – I don’t know, maybe the shock and awe of the scandal associated with an affair (or bad words).
All I’ve ever wanted to do is give God the credit He deserves. Even when I was angry, even when I was hurt, even when I wasn’t sure I wanted anything to do with Christianity, I’ve never been able to deny that grace is something that is so unimaginable and humbling and that I never deserve it. But God, God has been so much better than me, than any of us, and even when I wanted to walk away, it was His graceful, loving-kindness beckoned me home.
And I’ve written just as openly about that here. But, just as the messages I hoped to convey of just how deep and how wide and how absolutely freaking incredible the love of God is, and how that love impacted and continues to impact me in the midst of some of my darkest times seem to have been completely missed, none of the others were read either.
And that makes me sad. That devastates me. Not even for the judgement cast on me, but because it feels like the God who has brought me through everything has been stuffed in just another box that forgets just how much higher His ways are then ours.
How much more am I humbled by the fact that God looks at us and sees the perfection of Jesus, instead of our sin? How much more grateful am I for His willingness to forget our transgressions in favor of His own grace? How much more am I so looking forward to the work He’s doing through a wretch such as me? So much. So, so much.
All of that being said, let me make something clear: no matter what I’ve done or said or do or write about, don’t for one second think that this isn’t all for Him, because of Him, by Him, and through Him. Focus on my sin if that entertains you, but please don’t miss His glory.